I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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