biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
