see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
