I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you win again, gameday.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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