I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
