Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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