The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
this hospital has no fireball
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
