Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
