Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
