Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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