I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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