oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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