Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
