I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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