I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
