I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
