I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
