I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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