I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
