Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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