a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
