you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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