She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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