I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
