Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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