well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
