Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize