Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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