is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
