Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
