Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
