i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
