I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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