How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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