all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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