He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
