Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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