I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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