At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
