You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
