so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Panties = found
Randomize
