i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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