It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
