you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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