I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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