I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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