they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
