Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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