Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
