you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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