Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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