no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
