Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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