It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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