Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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