don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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