Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
