the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
