then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
